who is the enemy?

My friend Aspen, the other day, was talking about her life.  She was sharing that she is married to an addict—and he keeps going back to using and keeps getting into trouble.  This has happened over and over again and she said she used to get so frustrated and angry and hung up on this relationship.  Every time he would screw up and relapse and end up in jail she would get off track.  And then she realized that her war wasn’t against him—it was against his demons, the evil that has a foothold in his life.  She needed to stop fighting him, and start going to war for him.  So she put her energy instead into praying for him and leaving him in God’s hands, simply hoping that through his relationship with God he can experience healing.  Her main battle is praying for him, hoping for him, and leaving him in God’s hands.  She realized it wasn’t her job to control his behavior, or to fight with him so much that he would finally give in and do the right thing.  She put the relationship in God’s hands.  This is a huge difference in our viewpoint.  Often we think other people are the enemy.

NT Wright: “It is, of course, a surprise to many people that there is a ‘struggle’ at all. Yes, they think, we find it difficult from time to time to practice our Christianity. We find it hard to forgive people, to pray regularly, to resist temptation, to learn more about the faith. But as far as they’re concerned that’s the end of it. They have never thought that their small struggles might be part of a larger campaign. They are like soldiers fighting in a fog: never seeing, and actually not knowing about, the others not far away in the same line of battle, let alone the other theatres where the war is continuing. In most major conflicts, of course, hardly any front-line soldiers know very much about the rest of the war. That’s the job of the generals. But at least they know that something is going on, and that their bit is part of that larger whole. That’s the perspective that every Christian needs to maintain as we hold our bit of the line against attack.”

"Convicted Killer Denied Parole"

When you read the headline, Convicted Killer Denied parole, what do you honestly think?  But what if the headline would have said, Robert Gardner denied parole, that has a different feel doesn’t it.  The inmates that we bus to our church on Sunday mornings live at the work release center, to give them a chance to begin re-integration into society as they have a possible parole date coming.  When someone is sentenced for their crime, they are given a range of dates for their sentence.  So if someone is given 10-20 years, they may only be in for seven years and if they do well inside (follow the rules, take classes, follow their program), they will be allowed to get out of prison and be on parole.  When someone is on parole they are still serving time, they are monitored by a parole officer but they are able to live and work in society.  For some of our friends, the parole hearing is very stressful, most have lots of anxiety as they sit before three judges to hear their charges read again and answer questions about why they should be allowed to be released on parole.  As a church community we try to attend parole hearings as a show of support for our members.  On February 26th, my husband and father-in-law were attending parole hearings at the work release center. 

I was very excited because that day because some of the men getting out were paroling to our R12 house (the new transition house) and also Robert was paroling, and while he had found other arrangements I made him promise he would be spending time at our house when he got out.  Robert had attended our church faithfully for the past year.  He was a staple in our community, attentive, helpful, respectful and genuine.  I was eager to see him free.  There is a look on someone’s face when they get out of prison that is just amazing, sometimes it takes a few days to set in because the first day they just walk around looking like they are about to puke.  (the world is a scary place when you have been hidden in an institution)  But by the time I see them on Sunday, most of them are glowing with the freedom, like a bride on their wedding day. 

I was waiting for my husband’s call, you can’t have your phone while you are at the hearings and you never know what order they will go in, as I knew Jon was staying for 3 hearings, I knew he could be gone for a long time.  When he called, I did not expect to hear what he told me.  In the past most of the time when our friends went before the board, they got out that day, sometimes they had to wait a couple of months and then they got out.  However, Robert was not only denied parole he was sent back to the diagnostics and evaluation center, he was removed from work release and sent back to prison.  His job that he had had for a year would be over, his plans for a residence were gone, his daughter’s dreams of being with her father were dashed.

The family of the boy that Robert killed came to the hearing and brought the media.  They had not forgiven Robert and they did not want to see him out on parole.  And just like that, a “convicted killer was denied parole”.  But that wasn’t just a “convicted killer” that was a man who had spent 20 years in prison for his crime committed as a minor, who had been following all the rules, holding down a job and being a part of our church, gone...to do more time, because the past 20 years wasn’t enough.

That day was the first time Robert was able to tell the family that he was sorry for what he had done.  When he was taken away, he turned to my father-in-law and said, “I was able to finally say that I was sorry”.  He had longed to do that for so many years, but he pled guilty to his crime

without going to trial, so the family never had to testify and in the state of Nebraska it is illegal for a person convicted of murder to contact the family of his victims.  It protects the family from being “re-victimized”. 

             In the news article it said “The victim's family say they weren't ready for him to be released, but after hearing his apology they can finally start to heal and open lines of communication with Gardner in the future.”  It is my prayer that they will keep the lines of communication open and that they will work on their forgiveness, so that next time Robert is up for parole he can return to our community and finally get to start his new life.

My husband was set to preach that Sunday.  He had been previously assigned to speak on Luke 5:12-16 where Jesus touches the Leper.   He told us about leper colonies and showed us pictures of what lepers look like, he talked about the meaning behind the fact that Jesus told the Leper he healed to go and present himself to the priest, so that he could be fully restored to the community.  Then Jon talked about how some of us have been cast out of society, that the inmates among us have been moved away from a society that says they are unacceptable.  How can they be restored?  There has to be a healing that can be offered that can restore these people back into society, surely my friend Robert’s whole identity will NOT forever be the sum of his worst act, he will not forever just be a “convicted killer”.

Jon then asked us to write letters, letters to the parole board asking for them to change their mind on Robert’s case and also writing to Robert to tell him, to keep his courage up.  To keep seeking God and doing good, even in the wake of this injustice, even in the wake of a society, of parents of his victim that say, he is still the same 17 year old kid who made a terrible mistake.

I have wondered about telling you how much I felt this was an injustice.  I have wondered how many of our readers will think I am off my rocker, defending a man who has killed another man.  The truth be told, I learned long ago at our church, that a person who has killed another person is still a person.  Still a child of God, still someone who needs love and encouragement to live out the call that God has on his or her life.  Robert, may you know we are praying for you and looking forward to the day you can be restored to our community.

God please continue to help those who are still incarcerated to know that they are NOT just the sum of their worst crime.  God please continue to heal the identity of those at our church.  If you are willing please make us clean.

Crisis management Ministry.

We all know that God needs people in every area of life.  He calls us all to do different things to help bring His kingdom on earth, and ministries take on very different callings that make up a much larger picture as the gospel reaches all types of people.

I think for the past few years my family has been doing a very distinct sort of ministry.  After church on Sunday I was thinking, man I really feel like our ministry is like crisis-management ministry. 

So often at our church, we end up entering into the crisis that people are experiencing.  Those in prison and recently released from prison tend to be dealing with extremely broken family situations, homelessness and poverty issues, severe addictions and spiritual baggage, and demons from childhood trauma.  Many, when they first join our fellowship, are distrusting because they deal with the wreckage of so many broken relationships.  They feel burdened by guilt from their past and they wish they could start over.

What we do, who we love, how we love, and the stories we hear, which are so intense at times—the sum of it can lead to exhaustion….it is so good that we don’t have to do it alone and that God has been preparing us for this in our journey.

On Sunday mornings after having a brief break following the service, we get together in small groups to give people the chance to respond to the message.  I find that being a part of these groups is very valuable to develop a heart for the inmates to whom we minister.  In the past, when I attended the Northern Lighthouse but didn’t attend small groups, I wasn’t full of as much grace for those attending from prison, who can at times be very offensive to the “normal” churchgoer. (We have issues with people talking through the worship music, giggling loudly during communion, kissing and holding hands during the service…just things you wouldn’t think you would have to teach people NOT to do at church.  So many that come have not been in church in a long time.)  However, when you are in a small group, at least when I am, my heart is broken in a new way and all the “church etiquette faux pas” just aren’t as important as the woman who is telling me about the abuse that led her down the path to prison.

 I have never taken an actual survey, but from my experience I would say 95% of the inmates I have met at our church have had some form of physical, verbal or sexual abuse in their past.  Many were physically beaten down, screamed at, and violated when they were young.  I only really work with the women…but I sat at a table with nine women once, and eight of them had been sexually abused in their past.  I don’t think that this would be true at all churches; I really hope it isn’t.

I experienced a glimpse of some the ways in which we have a very distinct set of struggles at our church last Sunday.  In my small group, I asked my ladies to share an example of a time that God answered their prayers.  I received many blank stares, so I instead asked them to share something they were praying that God would do in their lives.  I finally got some answers.  Most, if not all of their answers had to do with pending parole dates.  So many are praying for a place to live when they get out of prison.  Many are stressed about finding a landlord who will rent to them and about the financial situation they will experience when they get out.  There is nothing that makes me feel the need for more believers to help us than listening to inmates talking about needing a home to parole to; If only I could place each one into a healthy family/home!  What an impact that could make for all involved, the inmate and the family.  Next up came a request for God to keep their kids safe while they are away in prison.  As a mother, my heart aches for these moms who are away from their children for so long, some of whom will never be reunited.  While discussing around the circle, I had a girl who wouldn’t share; she looked at me like, “I don’t believe any of this God business,” but I could also see in her eyes that she had been so hurt, there was no way she was going to trust a stranger.  (I have been praying for her--if she keeps coming, I will be very interested to see what she is like in a couple months.) Lastly, one girl decided to answer my question about how God had answered her prayers, but her story started with, “when my mom committed suicide…”  She then went on to talk about how she stopped praying for about a year and during that time she stopped being a good mother to her three kids.  She closed by detailing how God put her in prison and said that it was an answer to prayer.

I ended group as I always do, by praying for these ladies and as always I was overcome with the needs in that room. 

After small groups we all meet back in the sanctuary for a meal.  We pick up our meal from a little window in the kitchen and then we can sit at a round table of our choosing with about five other people.  As a leadership team we have talked about how often the inmates just sit with inmates and how we need to force some integration.  So I found a spot with some ladies that I didn’t know.  I made some small talk while eating and helping my five year-old eat.  The woman next to me started opening up with me about her life story. She said she has been in prison twice, both times due to meth.  But this last time she asked herself why she kept going back to meth, and she said she realized it was because she was molested by her father for years as a young child.  Through tears she explained that that was why she was using drugs; it wasn’t the drugs that were that root problem, it was her hurt from the pain of her childhood.  She said this time when she gets out she knows she needs to get counseling and if she can’t find anyone to pay for it she just needs to read books about it.  I made sure I knew her name before I hugged her to say goodbye so she could get back on the bus to the center.  I have prayed for her this week.

The sanctuary cleared out as the community vans left along with the bus and soon it was just my kids and three other adults in the building.  I felt a bit drained but also, that God has me at this church for a purpose--that this ministry is hard, but that God is doing it. I am just the conduit, but if I could only get more people to pray for us and our church, that it would help so, so much.  I have struggled with feeling like we aren’t doing it right or doing enough at times.  I think this comes from a misunderstanding of what our goal actually is.  My goal cannot be to “manage” their crisis, instead my goal is to teach them how to lean on Jesus and HIS community of people to help them get through the hard times.  I want to come along side someone during the dark times of their life and show them that they are not alone, that they are loved by Jesus and God’s people, that they have NOT been forgotten.  Many will turn back, many won’t get it the first time around, but some will, they will start to understand God’s love for them, who they are in Christ and they will make a change in the right direction.  But for some, even the decision to follow Jesus won’t mean that suddenly they will be a stable individual in society, or that they still won’t have “drama” in their lives.  If that is my goal, I will never feel like I am doing it “right”.  This call is not about fixing people and situations, it is not about managing their crisis, it is about loving them, IN the MIDDLE of it.

I was actually contemplating writing this article about the intensity of our ministry when my phone rang.  “Anna?? Anna??? Is that you?  Thank God you answered your phone, Anna I am in crisis, I don’t know what to do, please help me.”  And we were off and running into the most recent domestic dispute in our friend group.  (I sent my husband and went home with my kids, it was nap time).

The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  I know God has made my husband and me for this type of ministry…but surely he has made others who share this same heart for the broken, the hurt, the prisoner and the homeless??  Please send them our way…and keep lifting us up in prayer.  We greatly appreciate those who pray and support us in what we are doing.  It means a great deal to us! 

Don't wreck your boat

My husband and I home school our 5 year old son Ishmael.  Today I was reading to him from the Usborne Children's Encyclopedia, next to a drawing of a lighthouse it said, “Lighthouses warn sailors of underwater rocks that could wreck their boats”.  It is amazing when the simplest explanation of something can hold so much symbolism and meaning.  When we are in the thick of life, it is hard to see the danger around us at times, this is one reason having community is so important in life. 

Working with people that have addiction issues can be difficult because often logic is thrown out the door when hard times come.  A drug user has become so used to turning to a substance to help them through hard times, their minds are wired to reach out to the illusion of that quick fix and there is no thought given to the long term effects of that choice in the moment. Soon that one choice to fix the initial problem has snowballed into a whole new set of issues that cannot be so easily faced.  Soon the storm has them crashing into the rocks, and the water begins to fill their boat...and they sink.  Will they cry out for help, or go down with the ship?

The sharp rocks of destruction are hidden beneath the reef.  If we don’t heed the warnings of the lighthouse we could wreck our boat.  Life brings the waves, and in our community it is often the stress of starting over with nothing, finding a job as a felon, the pressure of finding a place to live when you have no one and a terrible rental history.  The wind of your past intensifying the waves, as if to say, you can’t change, you can’t make it, don’t even try.

All we can do is give the hope and direction of Jesus, to teach our community to pray when the storm comes.  We shine our light in the darkness and pray they will understand it.  We pray that in the hard times our community will rise up and support one another, and that those struggling will point their ship towards the lighthouse and avoid the rocks.

Jesus, we pray, calm the storm and help our unbelief.

Striking at the Root

Henry David Thoreau once said, "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one striking at the root." 

This comment may be a pretty heavy exaggeration, but I have come to believe that at its essence, it is true.

I don't think most people deny the presence of evil in the world, especially when confronted by things like addiction, racism, and abuse. There is an obviously dark element to the human experience that touches most of us of pretty directly. But it's one thing to be able to identify evil, and another to confront it. We often hack around the branches, but fail to do the hard work of attacking the roots. This kind of work involves confronting thinking patterns, spiritual states, emotional baggage we carry, deeply embedded habits, and all kinds of things that can't be changed by rearranging circumstances or acquiring better stuff.

In April of 2014, an invitation was extended to me to begin a residency at the Northern Lighthouse Church in Lincoln, Nebraska. I was excited to take it because I have come to believe that to be authentically engaged in the church today means to take on the challenge of engaging the soul. And this is a great challenge but also a great privilege.  I believe the church has a unique call and opportunity to do soul-work in our culture right now; I have met so many people searching for inner peace and fulfillment and tired of the consumer-approach to life.

At that time this position was offered, my I was living in Lincoln and working at a shelter for kids who had been removed from their homes. I had been working with various human service organizations for about eight years--including the local homeless shelter and several group homes. This work was life-changing for me: it exposed to me the struggles that many experience with things like abuse and neglect, institutionalization, addiction, homelessness, and poverty. These are all just labels I was familiar with before I started working in the field; but after eight years in these various settings, there were many people I had gotten to know personally who were struggling with these issues.

A veil had been lifted, revealing a world that was much different from the one in which I grew up.

Some of the experiences that lifted this veil: hearing a child angrily talk about receiving beatings from his dad; receiving the news that one of my friends who lived at the shelter, a man in his thirties, had drank too heavily and died because he choked on his own vomit the night before; watching several friends succumb to meth addiction and end up in prison; and spending holidays with boys at a Boys Home who had no families to which they could go home.

These experiences broke my heart.

But along this journey I also found myself totally encouraged in surprising ways. I found friendship and a great sense of community within these facilities. I met so many amazing people as well--people who inspired me so much because they had faced obstacles in their life but were persevering, and were truly a joy to be around. I met some great friends who taught me so much just by sharing their stories.

Often, as I worked in various human service facilities, however, I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I worked with so many good people, but there were so many bad systems in place. I felt like we were hacking around together---confronting problems we weren't equipped to deal with, trying to solve the problem of evil through human strength and with faulty strategies. We were often burnt out and frustrated.

I'm more and more convinced these days that the only way to get to the roots of evil is to deal with the gospel--and to do the soul work of dealing with sin, resentment, despair, and self-loathing. Dealing with this baggage and trading it in for redemption, a new sense of family, and a new identity--that's root work.

The Northern Lighthouse is a church with a vibrant prison ministry, and along with this work comes a strong sense of mission as well as the intersection of the Church with the world I have been describing. This is a truly unique church that provides an opportunity to develop relationships in an atmosphere that is welcoming and spirit-filled.

I took the invitation for this position because I have a longing to see the body of Christ get involved with real-world problems and bring the gospel...to do less hacking and more striking.


I love being a part of a church that offers radical acceptance to all kinds of people, and provides support for those in desperate need of resources. Watching friends of mine leave their addictions behind, get out of prison and get back on their feet, and let their walls down to experience Christ has been a major blessing over the past year.

On a weekly basis I get to do some teaching during our worship services, help run a men's discipleship group, work with RIP (our reintegration program for prison inmates), and chip in with our sister church's neighborhood farmer's market.

I will be using this blog to share stories and post updates throughout my journey with this ministry. I am also offering an opportunity for those who feel led to support my ministry financially and through prayer.

Most of all, I hope this blog will be an encouragement to the Body and a way to connect. Thanks for reading!